Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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