She said her name was "party"
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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