...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she smelled like a LAN party
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
