Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize