I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
