Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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