i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
