There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
