there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
