have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
