I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
