im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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