my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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