mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
