I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
