Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
