it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
did you just send me my own nude
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
