im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
