Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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