my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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