Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
