On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
