The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
