Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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