you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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