she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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