Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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