"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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