Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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