Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
How's work?
Spinning.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
