My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
