shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
