I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
