I am puke
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
