Don't make out with my wife yet
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
