My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
