I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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