so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
