mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
