1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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