I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
