Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
