Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
