How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
