I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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