Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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