Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize
