I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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