dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
