Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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