I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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