i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
