Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
