He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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