My underwear smells like fireworks.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
