Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
operation have a gay friend backfired
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
