I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
