dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
